No Aliens Here!

Aliens Stole My Handbag!

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Interstella Inquirer

Have you seen this woman?Rankin Kidnapped By Grannies

Police were tonight appealing for anyone with information which may be helpful in the search for Robert Rankin's kidnappers.

A nationwide manhunt - or rather grannyhunt - has been ongoing since the famous author was dramatically snatched from a Birmingham hotel on Sunday.

"These are obviously desparate people," said Chief Inspector Rhamsdale of the Birkshire constabulary, "if you have any information about their whereabouts please contact the incident room. These people must have neighbours."

The kidnappers, who have been using the aliases 'Maude' and 'Glad', issued the following statement from their secret hideout:

We Have Rankin.

We are not 'lunatics' and don't want to hurt anyone.

We are holding Mr.Rankin (a very handsome 'young man') him until the government, take notice of what we are saying....

It's quite simple, we want them to stop to these little grey fiends nickin' our handbags! We're not senile, and recognize an 'alien' when we see one (we saw close encounters). It's costin' us a fortune to get new ones from Age Concern, and we should be protected from these interplanetary bag snatchers!

However, a spokesman from the Ministry of Defence dismissed their demands as 'ludicrus'.

In related news, Mrs Rankin last night offered a reward for the kidnappers not to release Robert Rankin. "As far as I'm concerned they can keep him," she said. "And don't let him write any more of those damned books, either."